Wake Up, and Drive Again

Have you ever feel like you're lost in mind, but you're going nowhere?

Well lately I am feeling that way. I feel like I think too much, but those things are not going to drive me anywhere. At some point, I know I have to start the search again.

Anyway, I am entering my (supposed to be) last semester in college this month. Wow. I can't count how many times I started a post talking about how time flies super fast and how I keep myself blown away by that fact.

It also happened just a few days ago when I realize less than 2 weeks my Kuliah Kerja Nyata (campus social project) is finished and I just got to be ready to hang out with thesis, Thesis, brada, no more papers. Senior year alarm's getting real.

On the proccess of myself realizing that any clock's ticking as fast as The Rabbit's, I stop for a while. Have you read my latest post before this one? Well that's part of this thing, too. Looking back at my journal kind of reminds me of how myself used to have a full fuel to go on anything that I've been through. Pernah nggak sih, ngerasa santai ngelakuin sesuatu, tapi kosong aja di depan. No lights, but you feel okay. No direction, but you believe there shall be some new ways.

Mungkin, karena aku tipikal manusia yang somehow stick with plans, jadi kepikiran selama ini hal apa aja sih yang mengantar aku ke pintu-pintu opportunity? Hal apa aja sih yang bikin aku excited on doing things? It's not that I can't cope with improvisation, but seeing my other self directing from the front is feel a lot more soothing.

I have been looking, but end up lost again.

Sampai ketika Kuliah Kerja Nyata ini berjalan, dan aku bertemu dengan banyak sekali hal baru. New team mates, whole new place with new people, adjusting on new habits. So many new things. Which is good, for my brain need to be refreshed by surprises. And I already washed the tought about 'my driver', sampai akhirnya tiba saat program pemutaran film anak di salah satu sekolah dasar.

Ada salah satu anak yang berani bercerita ke depan, and we gave him a mini notebook. Sewaktu pemutaran sudah selesai, dia tinggal di ruang menonton dan asyik mencoret-coret notebook  barunya. I asked him what he's doing, turned out, he draws a graffiti. His name is Arya.

"Arya, kamu suka menggambar?", Arya senyum malu-malu, sambil menutupi notebooknya.

"Arya suka bikin apa?"
"Graffitti."

FYI, program Kuliah Kerja Nyata ini dilakukan di desa-desa berkembang di seluruh Indonesia. Lokasi program ku di Desa Malaka, Kabupaten Lombok Utara. Sepanjang pesisir, sisi kanan kiri jalan dihiasi pantai dan pohon kelapa, ada beberapa pos pengisian bahan bakar eceran dan warung nasi. Yang jelas, tembok dengan graffitti bukanlah salah satu hal yang sering kami lihat di sepanjang jalan utama. I wonder where this kid see one.

"Arya lihat graffitti di mana?"

"Saya lihat waktu jalan-jalan di sana itu."

"Di Mataram?"

"Bukan, di Mentigi sana."

Mentigi merupakan salah satu dusun di Desa Malaka, yang berjarak cukup jauh dari lokasi program kami. Mungkin Arya melihatnya saat sedang main, atau tanpa sengaja melewati gambar graffitti tersebut. But the most important part was when I asked him what he want to do when he grew up...

"Cita-cita saya jadi pelukis kak."

And drawing graffitti is his training. Seeing one graffitti inspires him to achieve that. How if he see graffitti walls all over Yogyakarta, let's say?

I think again, in the next few weeks I might be home already.

What I am going to do, with myself? Furthermore, with my life. After finishing things that I just have to finished, then what?

I remember having this fuel to drive me when I was in high school, dreaming of being this, dreaming of doing that. I can easily pictured myself in near future. Or when I really want to be part of something, I strive, and I did. I can Imagine those stuffs. I always found my 'why' to find my 'way'. Why lately everything has been really blurry?

I think I missed my graffitti walls somehow. Like Arya, I need one dream to pursue. So I can easily picture myself living that dream.

When I have days off, my mom always said that I sleep too much. Maybe she was right. I need to get up, looking for some new reasons to stay awake, and dream again.

Don't you think dream was such thing in that keeps your heart alive?

While you reading this, I might have not found it again just yet, but I know what is the fuel for my next drive.

xx.

Av.